Some people fall in love and stay grounded. Others lose themselves entirely, organising their whole day around a person, panicking at the thought of being left, and chasing the next text or call the way someone else might chase a drink. When the pull becomes that strong, when it starts to cost you sleep, work, friendships or your sense of who you are, it stops looking like ordinary romance and starts looking like a compulsion.
That pattern is often called love addiction. It’s worth being clear up front about what those words do and don’t mean, because getting this right matters for anyone trying to make sense of what they’re going through.
Is love addiction a real diagnosis?
Love addiction is not a formal medical or psychiatric diagnosis. You won’t find it listed in the DSM-5 or the World Health Organisation’s ICD-11, the two manuals clinicians use to diagnose mental health conditions. Researchers are still debating whether it should be classified as a behavioural addiction at all, and there’s no settled definition the whole field agrees on.
So why use the term? Because it describes something genuinely recognisable. Clinicians and researchers tend to use “love addiction” as shorthand for a compulsive need to be in a romantic relationship, or fixated on a particular person, that carries on despite the harm it causes. A 2025 systematic review in the Journal of Behavioral Addictions noted that while clinicians have studied this pattern for decades, the scientific community still hasn’t reached consensus on how to define or measure it (see the review at pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov).
None of that makes the suffering less real. Whether or not it ever earns a place in a diagnostic manual, the distress is real, and the underlying issues that drive it are treatable.
What love addiction tends to look like
This isn’t about loving someone deeply or going through a rough breakup. Those are part of being human. The difference is the loss of control and the cost. Some patterns people describe include:
- Feeling unable to leave a relationship even when it’s clearly harming you.
- Intense anxiety, panic or a sense of emptiness when you’re apart from the person, or between relationships.
- Jumping straight from one relationship into the next, unable to tolerate being single.
- Constant, intrusive thoughts about the person that crowd out work, hobbies and other relationships.
- Ignoring your own needs, values or safety to keep someone close or to win their approval.
It’s also worth saying what love addiction is not really about. For many people it has little to do with sex or romance for their own sake, and far more to do with the feeling of being wanted, needed and secure. The relationship becomes a way to manage difficult emotions, which is part of why it can be so hard to step back from.
Where it comes from: attachment and self-worth
The most useful research on this pattern looks at attachment, the way our earliest relationships shape how we connect as adults. People who grew up feeling insecure, abandoned or unsafe often carry that into adulthood, and they can end up seeking constant reassurance from a partner to feel okay.
A peer-reviewed study published in the Journal of Personalized Medicine in 2023 found that insecure attachment styles, specifically the preoccupied and fearful types, were significantly linked to love-addiction symptoms. Importantly, the researchers found that low self-esteem largely explained that connection: the link between insecure attachment and love addiction ran almost entirely through how people valued themselves (the open-access study is available at pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov).
In plain terms: when someone doesn’t feel worthy of love on their own, another person’s attention can start to feel like the only thing holding them together. That’s a heavy weight to place on any relationship, and it rarely ends well for either person. This is one reason love addiction sits alongside other behavioural addictions and mental health concerns rather than standing on its own.
The link with drugs and alcohol
One of the clearest reasons to take this pattern seriously is how often it overlaps with substance use. When a relationship ends, falters or feels under threat, the emotional pain can be overwhelming, and some people reach for alcohol or drugs to numb it.
The trouble is that self-medicating doesn’t deal with the underlying wound. It just stacks a second problem on top of the first. Drinking to cope with heartbreak or rejection can quietly slide into dependence, and now there are two things to recover from instead of one. People sometimes lean on cigarettes, vaping or cannabis in the same way, using them to dull feelings they don’t yet have other tools to handle.
If you recognise that cycle in yourself or someone you love, it helps to know the broader warning signs. We’ve written more about how to identify addiction in yourself or your loved ones, which applies whether the trigger is a substance or a relationship.
When relationship patterns and other conditions overlap
Compulsive relationship patterns rarely show up alone. They often travel with anxiety, depression, trauma histories and, in some cases, personality difficulties. That’s not a reason for shame. It’s simply a reason to look at the whole picture rather than treating one symptom in isolation.
Good treatment does exactly that. It asks what’s driving the behaviour, not just how to stop it. For some people that means exploring early trauma; for others it means understanding patterns we cover in our piece on personality disorders. The point is that the relationship pattern is usually the visible tip of something deeper.
Getting help
The encouraging part is that this is treatable. Compulsive relationship patterns respond well to therapy, especially approaches that build self-worth, teach healthier ways to manage emotions, and gently unpick old attachment wounds. Where alcohol or drugs have become part of the coping, those need to be addressed at the same time, often with proper clinical support.
Reaching out can feel daunting, and a lot of people put it off because they’re embarrassed or assume they should be able to handle it alone. You don’t have to. We’ve written honestly about when to see a therapist and letting go of the shame around it, because that first step is often the hardest part.
If you’re in South Africa and want someone to talk to right now, the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) runs free, confidential helplines seven days a week. You can reach their counselling line on 011 234 4837, or send a WhatsApp message to 076 882 2775. More information is on the SADAG website.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is love addiction the same as just loving someone a lot?
No. Loving someone deeply is healthy. The pattern people call love addiction is marked by loss of control, real distress and ongoing harm to your life, and it usually carries on even when you can see it’s hurting you.
Can love addiction be cured?
It’s better to think in terms of treatment and recovery than cure. With therapy and support, people learn to build self-worth, form healthier relationships and manage their emotions in ways that don’t depend on one person. The patterns can be managed and recovery is very possible, but it tends to be ongoing work rather than a one-time fix.
Why do I keep using alcohol or drugs after a breakup?
Often it’s an attempt to numb emotional pain. That’s understandable, but substances don’t resolve the underlying feelings and can lead to dependence over time. If you notice yourself reaching for them to cope, it’s worth getting support before it deepens. Our article on overcoming drug and alcohol addiction is a good place to start.
Where do I begin if I think I have a problem?
Start by talking to someone, whether that’s a GP, a therapist, a helpline like SADAG, or a treatment centre. You don’t need a formal diagnosis to deserve help, and you don’t have to have everything figured out before you reach out.
You don’t have to carry this alone
If a relationship pattern has taken over your life, or if you’ve started leaning on alcohol or drugs to cope with the pain that comes with it, that’s worth taking seriously. These things tend to get heavier the longer they’re left, and they get lighter with the right support.
At Freeman House Recovery, our holistic inpatient programme looks at the whole person, including the emotional and relational roots of substance use, not just the substance itself. If you’d like to talk it through, no pressure, you’re welcome to phone us on +27 12 1111 739. Sometimes one honest conversation is enough to make the next step feel possible.
